Oh my

I hate driving. Wait, I like driving. It's TRAFFIC that I hate. On Saturday Emma and I drove to Shippensburg to hang out with Mike at his track meet. So, we're on 81 S and I am in the left lane trying to pass a slow moving tractor trailer. The car in front of me starts swerving. What the heck is going on?? Her head keeps bobbing up and down. Up and down. Up and down. I'm thinking... is she having a stroke or a heart attack? As she approaches the rear end of the tractor trailer in the right lane, she starts to veer into the right lane, and is maybe a foot or two from running right into it while her head is down, so I lay on the horn. She looks up, quickly jerks to the left and avoids the tractor trailer. That's when I see her pop open her cell phone. And then she takes her other hand off the wheel, and GIVES ME THE FINGER.

Are you serious?

Later on this same trip, I approached a HUGE back up of traffic, and was pretty sure an accident had occurred up ahead. After sitting in standstill traffic for 15 minutes, things started moving again. Then I saw it. Up on the right, two police cruisers had pulled over a car, and were searching it. THAT'S IT. And about four cars in front of me there was OPEN SPACE. The lead car was almost at a dead stop, just rubbernecking to get a good look at the car, and the guy on the hood of the police cruiser. Seriously people. Rubbernecking pisses me off like nothing else. There was absolutely NO REASON for the stand still traffic, other than people just being stupid.

Also what makes me angry: People saying that Emma looks like a boy. I really just don't see any boy-ish qualities in her. Maybe I am biased, but she is just too pretty to be a boy. And also, I get really irritated when people comment that it's because SHE DOESN'T HAVE HAIR. Is she the first five month old to not have hair?? Really?? Also. She wears pink a lot. I find that it's especially insulting when people say "Oh, what's his name??" when she's WEARING PINK. I know this is an age of metrosexuality, and that "tough guys wear pink"...but seriously pink pants and a ruffley pink shirt and a bow? And you still think it's a boy? You're stupid.

Also, too. A casual acquaintance found my blog somehow and decided to tell me that she couldn't read it anymore because I used the English language so poorly. She was just appalled. I'm thinking that perhaps she caught my last pseudo-sleeping post. I will admit, I really like to make up words. But I do it on purpose. I'm not just stupid. And if you can't figure that out, you don't know me well enough. I like to consider myself "vocabularically creative".

Also. A friend once told me that very often the comment threads to my posts were far funnier than the posts themselves. To that I say...You're stupid. If my posts weren't so amazingly fantabulousocious, they wouldn't inspire such hilariousityness in the comment threads. So eat it.

Also. The other night we were heading to bed, and I realized that I needed to pump or else my boobs would explode before Emma actually got up to eat. So. I started flipping through the channels and got stuck on an infomercial for "Express Redi Set Go". Please tell me you've heard of this. It's this round little cooker that you can make omelets, burritos, sandwiches, etc in. Anyway. I became mesmerized by this informercial and ended up watching it for a FULL HOUR when I could have been sleeping. I am baffled by their choice of spokesperson, though. They picked this old lady with a GIANT, poofy, crayon-red hair do, liverspots, ridiculously long fake fingernails, and I'm pretty sure she was channeling Tammy Fay in her choice of facial decoration. And I couldn't stop staring at her. I got queasy watching her be-liverspotted hands pick up all the ingredients. And yet. I really, really, really want an Express Redi Set Go. Like, really badly.

So, remember Sham Wow Infomercial Guy? He got beat up. It was in Time Magazine. The caption under the picture of him all black and blue and cut up... "Sham Pow". HILARIOUS. I'm guessing the deed was done by some manufacturer of the Sham Wow Imitators that he dissed in the infomercial. That'll teach him.

I hate facebook quizzes. The only one I did was the "Which Bible Character Are You?". I am Moses. Not too shabby, although I'd really like to see the Promised Land. But what I hate most is on the new facebook homepage, EVERY TIME anyone does a quiz, I have to hear about it. And there are some people who do FIFTY QUIZZES a day. And. I. Hate. It.

Mmmmmmm. Artificial Crab Sandwiches.