A Thought

I have been reading a certain book for quite some time now. I'm taking my time with it, because it's not one of those books that's easily processed. I've read and re-read a few passages, and today one stuck out at me like a sore thumb. This won't be a particularly interesting post, I don't think. But I just keep thinking about this passage and I have a response. I've started and lost dozens of journals, so putting pen to paper on this one just won't do. So forgive me, but I'm using my blog now simply to record some thoughts I don't want to forget.

The passage goes like this:

"When you have a child, you start to dream of how this kid will grow up and make you proud. The only thing you can predict with 100% certainty is that the reality will diverge somehow from that dream. Some of our children will disappoint us by not being the scholars we hoped they would be. Some children will disappoint us by not being the athletes we hoped they would be....... The real question is not, what book can I read, what technique can I use to raise a perfect child? The real question is how will you handle that gap between the child you dreamt of having and the real child growing up in your home?"

I cannot get this passage out of my head. And it's because I don't have dreams for my children. It sounds bad when I say it like that, but it's true. Emma is 3.5 and Izzy is 18 months old, and I would be lying if I told you that I have ever, EVER once thought about what they were going to be like as teens or young adults, what niche they'd fill in middle/high school, what schooling, if any, they'd pursue, what career path they'd follow,  or who they'll spend the rest of their life with. I have spent more time than I can count thinking about those precious little babies of mine. But as far as future planning goes, my vision hasn't ever gone further than things like, "I really can't wait until Emma is done with this phase of tantrums" or "I can't wait until Izzy has all of her teeth!"

That is not to say that we aren't planning for their future. We are. We are trying hard to be responsible financially so that we can provide for them the things they need. We are  trying hard to instill a love of reading, music, physical activity, imagination, and all those other good things that kids need to thrive. But I have never once said, or even thought, "Emma, one day you could be the/a/an _________________".  Is that strange? Is it strange that even as I'm typing this, I just don't have those stars in my eyes about where my kids will end up?

If my parents had a dream for me about where my life would end up, I never knew it, or have since forgotten it. I have seven siblings, and I often wonder how my parents did it. The biggest miracle, I think, is that despite some bumps along the road, my parents have produced eight children who are smart, responsible, adults who contribute to society in a positive way. But I don't ever remember my parents pushing me, saying "Alyssa, you better hit the books or you'll never be a doctor!" or "Alyssa, you better hit the gym, or you'll never be an Olympic athlete!" What I remember is that I developed a natural love of sports on my own. And when I decided to join a competitive volleyball league, my dad would get up with me sometimes as early as 4am on a Saturday morning to drive me (while I slept) to an all day tournament in another state, and sit for hours on end in over-filled bleachers, and then drive me home while we jammed out to Simon&Garfunkle's 4-disc collectors set. What I remember is that Every. Single. Day. my mom would drive me to school in the morning and say "Go! Fight! Win!" as I got out of the car, because even though she's not a "sports person", she knew that every game (or meet) was a big deal for me. And not once did I ever get the sense from her that she was disappointed in me for giving up on music when I started 9th grade, even though music has been a big part of her life, and something she is very good at. Or that my dad was disappointed I'd picked volleyball, even though HE had played basketball.

It was the same situation in every aspect of my life. I developed my own natural interests, and my parents supported me, and guided me when I needed it. And that's all I want to do for my kids. This is not to say that I'll sit idly by and watch as my children develop a real and intense love for building meth labs in my basement. No, no I'll nip that one in the bud should the time ever come. What I mean is that I don't feel compelled to create my own vision for their future. This notion that my child could disappoint me by "diverging" from MY vision for THEIR future just doesn't sit right with me. Why would I speculate such specifics? The only vision I have for their future is that they are happy, well adjusted, contributing members of society, who can show love and compassion for those around them. I could care less whether they are the President, or a professional dog-walker. What matters is that they are good people, that they are happy people, that they are healthy people.

I know that my children will suffer through trials, hard times, and heartache, much as I have and will in my life. And my heart will ache with, and for them. But I would never want my children to think for one second, that I was disappointed IN them, because they did not get the degree I had hoped they would, or they were not as musically or athletically gifted as I had hoped they would be, or they were not as wealthy or famous as I had hoped they would be. I will support my children, and push them when they need it, and I will do my best to guide them towards a happy and bright future. But for right now, no one knows what that future will be, and I don't feel the need or desire to speculate. I suppose my only dream for my kids is that they will create and achieve their own. I think that's good enough for now.

But what does it mean?

I rarely have dreams that I remember. For a while I was having this weird recurring dream about the Death Blow Kiss Killer, but I finally was able to kill him in one of those dreams, before I woke up, and haven't had that dream since. But I've had another recurring dream in the last few months that I just can't figure out. It goes like this...

I start in the locker room, getting ready for a volleyball game. I'm trying to get my act together to get out to the gym, but I can't find my shoes. So I go out to the gym, and have a major freak out, because I'm talking with Coach Piscotty, and figuring out that I have eligibility left, but holy crap I'm 29 and I can't jump. And she's expecting me to be in tip-top playing condition. And I'm so not. So she sends me away to find my shoes and then I'm somehow at track practice. And I have this crazy intensity to throw, but when I'm trying to finish my throw it feels like I'm trying to move my arm through wet cement. I want to accelerate but I. Just. Can't.

So I quit doing that and go in the locker room again. But when I come out, there is not a soul to be seen. I start roaming the earth, and literally can't find a soul. I'm so confused, and scared, and then I look up in the pitch black sky to see the sun. And it's shooting off these crazy flames, and looks like it's coming crashing into the earth. So I'm running around like crazy trying to find someone, ANYONE, to find safety in. I finally come upon a large gathering of people watching the sky, but they are all in an area at the top of a big stone wall, and there's a fence on top of the stone wall. So I am trying to scrape and climb up the stone wall, but when I do, I can't find an entrance to the fence. I'm trying to figure out what's going on, and I'm freaking out, and the people inside the fence are completely ignoring me.

So I somehow find my way inside the fence, and ask the people what's happening, and why are they all there, and why are they just watching. And they are all totally chill, and tell me it's just a solar flare, and they're enjoying the view, no biggie. So then I get totally confused, and leave to find my family. But I can't find them.

Then I wake up.

I don't know why, but this dream is really unsettling to me. I don't really remember many dreams, but when I do they're usually way freaky and off the wall. This one just leaves me feeling anxious and tense. Yuck.

This post is for my future grandchildren...

Dear Future Grandchildren,
This was my facebook (does that still exist??) status and ensuing comments from today, regarding how I spent my time with your mother/aunt. Please enjoy, and use it to harrass them as needed.
Love, Grandma.


This morning was nothing but a string of unfortunate events. Both girls were awake entirely too early, which means they were up before daddy left for work. The result is always a tantrum of epic proportions x2. Finally got the girls calmed down, fed, dressed, and we set off for the grocery store followed by a trip to the Curiousity Connection at the State Museum. We got to the museum, I dumped 2 hours worth of quarters into the meter, and headed in. Only the museum is closed on Mondays...

So I had to drag the girls back to the car (in the rain), and they both melted down again because a) we couldn't play at the museum and b) who wants to get buckled in again when you JUST got out. Finally got them in with promises to go to Chocolate World. Headed out when Emma informed me she had to poop. Immediately called Mike, since we were right near his building. He didn't answer, and there was nowhere close to us where I felt safe/comfortable enough to drag the girls out of the car AGAIN, use the bathroom, and then buckle them up again. So, we headed for home after Emma assured me she could hold it that long. Traffic was strangely heavy, and it took 20 minutes to get there. Of course, Emma pooped her pants in the garage. Got her cleaned up (while Izzy was still in the car, raging), then headed out for Chocolate world...

Got to chocolate world, rode the ride once, and headed for a second ride. Except Izzy threw herself on the floor and had a psychotic meltdown, acting like she was terrified of the ride (even though she was fine and happy the first time, and has ridden it at least 20 times in the last 6 months). I finally dragged her off the floor and headed for hot chocolate, when Emma said she needed to potty again. We stopped, found a large stall, Emma went, then I did too. Except as soon as I sat down, Emma opened the door at the exact same moment that Izzy opened the trash bin and reached in. My instinct was to grab them, Izzy first because ew. Got Izzy, but Emma had the door swinging wide open. A nice lady outside (there were lots of them...) tried to shut it for me...

 

But Emma was blocking her way. I finally grabbed Emma and the lady shut the door and then leaned against it so Emma couldn't open it again. During all of this bouncing, I got pee all over my pants/shoes, because lets be honest I never did my kegels and couldn't stop it midstream, and didn't even think to in the moment, anyway. So I got cleaned up, and we headed home. And of course they melted down because now we weren't having hot chocolate. Decided to stop for nuggets on the way home, because I was about to lose my marbles and the thought of having to make lunch at home made me want to retch. That settled them reasonably enough. Got them home and at the table. Thought they were occupied at the table, so I got everything ready for dinner in the crockpot (since I'm working at 6pm). Except while I was doing that they made an ENORMOUS mess at the table.

 

After that was all done and cleaned up, I took them upstairs so I could get a shower. That was all fine and good until I was completely covered in soap/shampoo. That's when Emma came in, needing to potty yet again. Except Izzy followed her,... and in the 30 seconds it took me to completely rinse, Izzy managed to unroll and destroy almost an entire roll of toilet paper. I was yelling for them to stop the whole time, and they just looked at me and laughed and unrolled more TP. When i got out, I could tell Izzy had pooped, so I put on my robe and took her downstairs to change her diaper. Except she flipped out, and I got poop all over my leg and my robe (OF COURSE it's immediately after I shower). Then I had to sit on her to do yet another round of eye drops.

 

I don't think I've ever looked forward to going to work as much as I do right now...

 

I'm so stupid

Hey remember that one time a while back when I declared that I would never again post anything on this blog that even remotely hinted at happiness or joy in life, because everytime I did, I jinxed myself and everything went to crap? Yeah, I'm reinstating that. I was dumb enough a couple posts ago to mention how the weather was great, and the kids were so happy, and how Izzy was having a nice break from teething, and the girls were getting along and playing so nicely...

Yeah. About two days later the weather got cold again (not full blown winter cold, but cold enough to need a coat when you go outside), and both kids immediately got colds. I don't know about your kids (if you've got 'em), but mine ARE NOT the type who get sleepy and cuddly when they're sick. They do not sit or lay around watching tv, or reading books, or sleeping. They are up and running, they just happen to also be crying/whining/vomiting, instead of running around happily. So they got sick, and then I got sick, and then later Mike got sick. Then it seemed like the girls were getting better, but JUST KIDDING they weren't. And now, nearly a month later, we're all still sick, and the girls have pink eye now on top of everything else. And as if having a cold wasn't enough to make Izzy mIzzerable, she's got two new teeth popping in, which has brought about another round of "I'm going to cry and scream all day, and cling to you like glue"-itis.

And then there are the cars. Both cars ended up in the shop, and needed RIDICULOUS amounts of money for repairs, in a ten day span. And when I say ridiculous amounts of money, I mean, amounts high enough that we probably won't make the reunion this summer, because it's friggen expensive to fly four people to Minnesota.

And the girls, who were playing so nicely, have begun another round of fighting over EVERYTHING. There are so many toys in this house, and they always want the same one. Although they don't actually want it. They just want the other to NOT have it. And Izzy has these sharp little razor blade fingernails, and she knows how to use them. Sadly, she knows how to whack Emma pretty good too, and Emma gets so upset when she does. And I just keep trying to tell Emma that Izzy wouldn't know how to hit if Emma didn't REPEATEDLY GO AFTER HER AND HIT HER. This does not satisfy Emma. Izzy, whose vocabulary is expanding rapidly, has mastered the phrases, "NO!" and "BACK UP!" and routinely screams them at Emma whenever she approaches, because Emma approaching generally means trouble.

So from this point forward, please note that I will not be happy or excited about anything, ever. Lest the universe see fit to smite me.

On another note - I took the girls to the fabric store this morning, so that Emma could pick out some materials. She is one who insists on being covered while she sleeps, and the blanket she has now is just way too heavy for this warmer weather. We picked up some lightweight fabric, and I did the sewing, and then washed it today while the girls were napping. I broke it out after dinner to show Emma, and she was totally excited about it. Unfortunately, she should have played it cool, because after Izzy saw how excited Emma was, she quickly concluded that this was obviously something she needed to have... there was a lot of arguing tonight...

Strange Things

Since I started working at the gym, I've seen a lot of strange things. Some are gym related, like the guy who wears these crazy space-looking bouncy shoes made out of hard plastic, or the guys who come in and workout wearing garbage bag-looking sweatsuits. Of course, we also have a swimming pool, which is just behind the front desk on the other side of a glass wall. So I see lots of big, big men wearing teeeeeeeny tiny speedos. And I have to clean the locker rooms at the end of the night, so I've cleaned up lots of weird, wet, bathroom things that I won't mention.


But this lady?? She does some of the strangest things. You can't see very well because I was trying to be discrete taking the picture. But she's lounging in one of our leather lobby chairs, head on one armrest and feet propped up on the other armrest. She's chatting on her cell phone, in a language that's not English, but I don't know what it is. And she wears side ponies almost all the time. And she eats slim jim's by the box. I know this, because she checks in to the gym, then plops down in that chair, opens up her Kmart bag, pulls out the box(es - depending on the night) and empties them right in front of me. And she talks on her phone with her mouth full, so the chair usually needs a wipe down when she leaves. When she's done with her slim jim's, she'll walk back to Kmart (which is next door), buy some magazines, then come back, plop on down in her chair, and read for a while.

I always say hi, and am friendly/chatty with people as they come in, depending on how chatty THEY want to be. Some people barely nod as they hand me their keys, others stick around the desk and talk for a few minutes. I'm not sure how well this woman understands English, but I've heard her speak to someone else at the gym, so I know she knows at least a BIT of English. But she doesn't look at me, speak to me, or really acknowledge me at all when she checks in. She just throws her keys up on my desk, then plops down on her chair and leaves her keys sitting on my desk til she leaves. It's so, so strange. I don't know how often she comes into the gym, because I only work nights twice, MAYBE three times a week, and she's not there every night I work. But I've never actually seen her work out either. I've made it my mission to figure this woman out!!!

Sisters

Emma and Izzy. They are living proof that everything is better with a sister.

For instance, sitting around wearing boots is much funnier with a sister.

And it's more effective when there are TWO of you to attack Grandma.
Even going to the bathroom is a delight when you've got your sister (and froggy and perry the Platypus).

It sure is nice to relax in a pile of pillows. But having a sister/ottoman? Now THAT is relaxation. (Pants are also optional)

I think they're texting each other. And I'm pretty sure this is a vision of our future.

When your little sister falls asleep in the car, and by some miracle DOES NOT wake up upon extraction, and mom lays her down on the floor thinking she'll immediately wake up, but again by another miracle, she is still sleeping... well then that's a good time to have a nice fake nap with her! And then 30 seconds later it's totally cool to starting making loud dinosaur noises, and your awesome little sister will wake up smiling, saving you from what was sure to be a very long time out.

And, heaven help mom if she disappears to the bathroom by herself for five minutes. Because sisters are the best at emptying the contents of the pantry all over the living room, kitchen and dining room.

Go ahead and tell me this isn't the cutest thing ever. And then I will PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.

Lighting isn't good, but do you see the pig tails??

So, to sum up, these sisters are awesome. I spend many days trying not to rip my hair out, but there are also many many many days that I'm just rolling on the floor laughing my butt off. By 40 I fully expect to be bald and buttless.

And, we're back!

Sort of? Maybe? I hate blogging again after such a long break. I feel like I can't just jump into a post, I have to do an update on months worth of activities and goings on. And it's daunting to try and remember it all. Here we go...

Since my last post, my neck has healed and I've got a nice scar, that should fade away to just a small line in another six months or so. I'm feeling much better health wise, and have recently made big changes to my diet, and have started exercising regularly again. I've also got a job at LA Fitness, working front desk and kids club. The perk (in addition to the paycheck) is a free membership to the gym, free access to the kids club, and there's a trainer there who firmly believes that all gym staff should be working out. So he's training me for FREE. Just started working with him last week, and I'm hoping that his knowledge will help me focus my workouts on weight loss. So I'm pretty jazzed right now.

Also, Izzy turned 1, then Emma turned 3. Both festivities were a blast and the girls enjoyed the spoils of the day. Then we had Thanksgiving, and then Christmas, and then New Years and Valentines. So much family, so much fun. All winter we've had mild weather, and in the last two weeks we've had temps near record highs. Which has been AMAZING! My little Izz-bot has had a rough go of teething for the last several months, which caused her to be clingy and miserable. Unfortunately this meant that Emma had to deal with it, too, and often got frustrated and upset with how much time I had to spend holding/calming Izzy down. The cabin fever just added to the misery. But now...this weather has us all shouting hallelujah's! It is glorious to be outside every waking moment. The perfect temps, not too cold, not too hot. Just playing all day. Park hopping all week. The zoo, chocolate world (inside, but still...) picnics, ice cream... perfect, perfect, perfect.

So, let's call that an update, and see if I can keep up this time. Oh, and to my blogrollers, I've been reading, so keep on writing!!