I'm taking a page from the book of Anna, (who I believe was taking a page from the book of one of her Rawlins' SIL's) and issuing an eviction notice to the tenant of my womb.
Dearest Bean:
You are totally awesome and cool. That said, Get Out.
Please consider this your final notice. You must vacate the premises of my womb immediately. Don't misunderstand my motives or intentions. I will sorely miss the internal tenderization of my organs. I will miss our afternoon naps together. I will miss having your little elbow serve as my alarm clock. I will miss cuddling with your little butt up under my ribs.
However, there are some things that I am looking forward to, with your departure from the womb. First, I look forward to the return of a normal center of gravity. I am also looking forward to sleeping on my back, to walking and not "waddling", to having control of my own bladder, to touching my toes, or putting shoes on without grunting or sweating, to wearing pants that aren't elastic, and to drinking Dr. Pepper with reckless abandon.
Mostly, Bean, I am looking forward to YOU. Yes, you. You will cry. You will poop. You will spit up and/or puke on my nicest outfits. You will wake me in the middle of the night. Repeatedly. You will make me worry. You will only increase my paranoia and fear of the irrational. But you will also be AWESOME. And that's a fact, I know it already.
Also, Bean, your father would like for you to come out, now. So that I will stop whacking him in the middle of the night with the gigantic pillow I'm required to keep between my knees when I sleep. And so I will stop making him put on my socks and tie my shoes for me. And so I will stop wearing his clothing, which looks oh-so-ridiculous on me, but is also oh-so-comfortable.
Mostly, Bean, he is looking forward to YOU. Yes, you. You will cry. You will poop. You will spit up and/or puke. And he will pass you off to me:) But that's ok, because I like you. Aw, heck. I love you! Bean, your father would also like to play with your toys. He's already unwrapped them and broken them in for you. But he's feeling a little silly playing with them all by himself. He'd like a friend to play with. And he'd like none other than you. (Side note, right after I finished typing those last few sentences, Mike walked out into the living room with "Mr. Monkey", his favorite rattle.)
So, Bean, get out. Get out. Get out. Get out here. We'd like to meet you:)
Sincerely,
Your (Ugly) Mom
23 comments:
I hope she comes soon! I can't wait to see pictures! She's going to be beautiful!!
Hi, I am Nicole's husband, so you may not know me, but I know you and your family well. I just wanted to clarify one thing in your blog: you will be giving up the body pillow after you deliver? Nicole refuses to give hers up, and I call it her "boyfriend". He generally sleeps on my side of the bed, and pushes me out from under the covers so he and Nicole can really spread out. I resent body pillows. Enough complaining, and congrats on the baby.
Clearly he thought he was logged in as "Boone", because I am not my husband.
2 words: castor oil.
2 to 4 Tablespoons and you'll be good to go.
Okay, so my SIL, Jeni, who always delivers her babies (and by "always" I mean twice) like HOURS after she takes castor oil and does an ENEMA. Both of those things scare me, so I have no advice. But that's the word on the street.
Get out, Bean! GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!!!
Ummm, who needs an enema after castor oil? That seems like drinking ipecac syrup while you have the stomach flu to me.
I had this awful fear of pooping on my babies during labor, and the castor oil ensured that as an impossibility.
And now I will cease and desist sharing totally unnecessary details about my birthing experiences.
ok alyssa now that you are probably scared to death to hear my birthing experiences ,. just remeber matthews experience was very very rare and also i had had a baby the may before that year and i was under alot of stress . so donb't worry however
im telling you
CASTOR OIL .
4 teaspoons and then go take a nap , go to the bathroom for an hour and off to the hospital you will go . yeah
I've never used castor oil or sent my womb tenants eviction notices, as they were happy to vacate the premises prior to the end of the lease.
So Bean, whatcha waitin' for? Hurry up already. Your mom is so totally done with the whole patience thing and ready to shower you with love. Earth life and families rock, for reals.
Then there are my children, who have all been stubborn enough that they had to be evicted by a surgeon with a knife...
Which is to say, I'd try the castor oil while you still have the option.
S-E-X!!!!!
Alyssa, listen to me and listen good. As one pre-eclampsic Ugly Mom to another...
Call the doctor and tell them you have a headache that won't go away with Tylenol.
You will have the baby within 24 hours. I promise. But don't call until I leave tomorrow afternoon.
OK, so I'm not really advating that you lie, but I also wouldn't drink castor oil also too.
But I'm not lying about this afternoon. See you around 4:15-ish.
Nor am I advocating for you to lie. Ugly Moms are allowed and expected to make up new words. One of my personal favorites is "farful." You won't find that one in the dictionary, sista, but it has a clear and defined meaning in the Blanchard house.
Now, get out there and advate!
Deb, are you on drugs?
Yeah, I'm on Chrysta's team. Try the castor oil while you still have options. My cervix thinks dilating is uncool, so I'm not sure it would have helped me. But I wish I would have tried...sigh.
LOL about spending an hour in the bathroom, though. That's pretty accurate as I understand it.
So, I'm all for advating castor oil usage to make your farful baby come out more quickly.
Oh, and I just read Sara's comment about never having to send eviction notices to her sweet, darling little 3-weeks-early-and-1-push-and-done babies...It's okay to not be friends with Sara after your 39th week of pregnancy (seriously, I think it's one of the bylaws of the UMC. Sara is some sort of ugly mom anomaly). You can be friends with her again after the baby is out and you've forgotten how much you hate her. I've done it three times now.;) Love you, Sara:)
Oh where for art thou comment???
My original comment went something like this, "Dang, are you still pregnant? And you either reset your baby countdown widget OR it's now counting the days you are past due, which seems cruel."
Having now read Anna's comment(s) I'll add:
My body totally rocks when it comes to having babies; however I perhaps get a little slack as #1 came 2 months early, and that was no picnic. I can deal with the 39th week no friends rule, I guess, cuz having babies my way is better than having friends. 'Nuf said.
And Deb - I totally thought that advating was a word, assuming that your genius is far greater than my own. I would have never known, though I was about to head over to dictionary.com.
I somehow can't bring myself to try castor oil. Yet. I read up on it, and some other *potential* side effects are nausea, vomiting, fever, headache, and achy-ness. And knowing my luck, I'd probably have those symptoms, and think I was dying, and have a major freak out. I just don't feel like I need that right now. I've been having contractions today, so I'm hoping things will be moving along soon.
Also - I did NOT reset my widget. It's apparently counting up, now, but I wish it would have a minus sign in front of it, because I too find it very cruel. Or maybe the widget just knows something that I don't.
Also, Sara, I just realized your original comment is under my last blog, not this current one.
I would have to agree with you, Sara -- you can always make more friends. And Alyssa -- yes, and I chased them with Crystal Lite Energy.
Going with the "Truth is Power" mantra, I totally did not mean to make up a new word. Somehow it looked just right when I typed it. But then after I posted it (of course), I was like, dude, what is THAT word!?! Indeed, it is not on dictionary.com or my personal favorite, merriam-webster.com. Therefore, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I did totally make up a new word. Feel free to use it. Excellent use of "advating" in a sentence, Anna. But just so you know, farfuls are fuzzies that get stuck on your shirt. Ask Sara, she can confirm.
And finally, I delivered fudge to Alyssa today on behalf of the Ugly Mom's Club. I have to say there's not enough fudge in all of Hershey's Chocolate World to properly right-size Anna's butt, but it was the thought that counts, girls. I also gave her a second tube of Butt Paste. I don't know how you can possibly forget you already gave someone Butt Paste, but I did. No matter, you can never have too much Butt Paste, I always say.
OH CRAP! I totally didn't mean to bring your butt into it, Anna. I meant to talk exclusively about Alyssa's butt. But the same can be said about yours, also too, so ... whatever.
But I stand firm on my comment about butt paste. You never can have too much.
Geesh. I'm exhausted and apparently incoherent. I should probably stop typing now. See, this is why I've never tried drugs in school -- I'm just no good at it.
Yeah, Deb. Leave my butt out of it! My butt gets plenty of attention wherever I take it (and use it to unknowingly knock things off shelves and little children off of monkey bars...Bad Butt!).
And you really CAN'T ever have too much butt paste. That stuff rocks. I'm considering trying it on my kids some day...
p.s. I see what you're talking about with the counter thingy. That is just a terrible emotional insult to poor pregnant women everywhere.
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