Today was a very hard day. Well, I guess it was just this afternoon, but still. Hard is hard. I've been dealing with feelings of self-doubt lately, and it just sort of came to a head today. I keep asking myself why on earth I thought I'd be able to handle two kids, when it seems like sometimes I can barely handle the one I already have.
I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by women who are wonderful and amazing mothers. My mom, my sisters, my sisters-in-law, and my very best friends are all shining examples of what I want to be as a mother. But that has the unfortunate side-effect of making me feel very, very small, and very, very inadequate. It doesn't help that I've never had good self-esteem, am extremely insecure, and it certainly doesn't help that I am a hormonal mess at the moment. But these are things I've thought and felt long before I began gestating Squishy, so please don't think I'm just being melodramatic. I'm not serious very often, but on this one...today... this is just me, and this is just what I'm feeling. So bare with me.
I knew that being a mother wouldn't be easy. I knew there'd be tantrums and meltdowns, and scrapes and bruises. I knew there'd be teething, and crying and pooping and teething. What I didn't count on was what being a mother would do to my heart. I just look at Emma, and my heart melts. On Saturday mornings, when Mike gets her out of bed, I will just lay there and listen to my two loves giggle and play, and my heart just swells with joy unlike anything I ever knew before. And when she falls, face-first into the coffee table, and I hear that scream, my heart stops. And today... when I felt like I couldn't do anything right, and that I was incapable of being what she needed me to be... when she cried out, "I want my daddy"... my heart broke.
I know I shouldn't take it so hard. I know, in the rational part (read: very small part) of my brain that she is 20 months old, and that she loves me, and that she needs me. But the look in her tear-filled eye today as she said it...it just killed me. And my heart broke. And I broke down into tears, and sobbingly asked her, "Honey, I'm trying....what can mommy do for you?"
And she just looked at me. And we both just sat there for a good long while, crying.
And then she looked at me again. This time, it was a kind of look that said, "Oh come on, mom. I'm just testing you here. Get a grip!" And she walked over to her book case, scanned the titles, and very carefully pulled out, "I'll love you forever" and showed it to me.
Choking back the tears, I asked her what that book said.
"I luh you" she answered. "Read"
So I did. She came and sat down on my lap, and stayed there, as I sobbed my way through the entire book. It's kind of a long one, and she has never sat still long enough for me to read the whole thing to her. But today she did. She just leaned back in my lap, and nuzzled the back of her head into my neck. And she waited patiently for me, when I needed to pause to choke back the tears, wipe my nose, and stifle my sobs. And she let me rock her, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, as I read those lines. And when it was done, she very simply stood up, wrapped her arms around my head, said "Sarmum" (sorry mom), and kissed me on the forehead. And then I sobbed some more.
I just couldn't help but think that this was her way of saying that she'll love me forever, even when I'm crazy...even when I can't figure out what she wants, or what she needs. She'll love me because I'm her mom, and I think she knows that I am trying my very best to give her what she needs, and trying my very best to take care of her and to teach her, and to love her.
And that's my big revelation, I guess... that I'll never be just like the other mothers around me, because I am who am. No amount of wishing will change that, and I just have to know, that when I lay my head down at night, that I have done the very best I could do that day. And some days it will be ugly, and I will just need to survive. And some days it will be amazing, and I won't be able to believe my luck. But regardless of what kind of day it is, I need to remember to remember that I'll love her forever. And she'll love me back.
9 comments:
I do want to add that I really appreciate the support you commenters have shown recently, as I've dealt with some of those hard parenting moments. The rational part of my brain knows that I'm doing alright, but the irrational part... which is the very big part of my brain... takes over and makes me freak out over how horribly I'm doing things, when all I want is to be able to handle a situation like so and so would, or have the composure that so and so would... you all set the standard pretty high, and I'm just trying to clear the bar.
I think that if you walked around the bar and looked on the other side of it, it would look pretty much like what you've got on your side, my dear. For the most part, we don't get to see the crappy part of the days of the moms we admire.
One thing I'm certain of: Emma is not judging you. She's not comparing you to any other mom. She couldn't care less about other moms. That's the most important thing to remember.
Secondly, the other moms that you love and respect aren't judging you either, because they know how it is when they can't figure out how to get it right some days. Many days. Every one tries a little of this and a little of that to find their way.
The reason you thought you could handle two kids is because you can. Emma's got parents who love her and each other, and she knows it. She knows it.
You're doing a great job. And yes, you are who you are. Amen and thank goodness for that!
Big hugs to you.
I can completely relate Alyssa. Unlike you, I went into Motherhood completely petrified of the thought of caring for a child by myself; for being the everything to my child; of knowing just what to do when it needed to be done; and feeling competent in doing it. I too was absolutely intimidated by all the wonderful and maternal examples around me (including you and your sisters mainly ~ even though you weren't mothers yet, you had the "thing" I feared I lacked).....but then when I was given my child, there was no way anyone could give him what I could. No one would have the same intentions I would. No one would love him like I would; and THAT is what helped me survive motherhood.
You are everything Emma needs whether she realizes it yet or not (at 20 months). I know you know that.
As Deb pointed out, she doesn't care what other moms are doing, she just loves HER mom. Much like we all do, even on the days we think our moms are crazy! ;)
We love you. You are a great mom...and I've seen it with my own two eyes. I know you can handle two kiddos. You have a natural gift. You're invested, you're caring, you're present. That's all they need.
Thanks for making me bawl at work Alyssa!!! lol I love you!! You are certainly one of THE best mother's I'VE ever known. I hope I can be as good of a mother to my kids as you are!!!
Alyssa,
I have two kiddos and frequently feel anything but adequate! Add the breakup of my marriage and grad class, and I am often a nutcase! Children are God's greatest blessing because they make us better than we want to be! You are an awesome mom to Emma and having another baby will just make you more awesome!
Krista
Oh sister. Let me tell you! I could have written this blog so many times over the last 7 years! Heck, the last 7 hours!
No one is really, truly prepared for motherhood. Ask our sister, who was a professional nanny for years! It was an adjustment for her, too. There's just something about having children that are completely ours (read: RESPONSIBILITY that is completely ours) that is so disarming and intimidating!
But you're doing it so very well. We all knew you would, and you have. And you'll continue to do it well when squishy (and any others if you so choose) comes along.
And Hillary wasn't lying when she said it takes a village! Use the help around you. But at the end of the day, know that you are the best thing in Emma's world. That's why she can say, "I want daddy!" Because she's so confident that she can want him without losing you. She just knows you're always there and you always will be. That's why she feels free to abuse you:)
And ditto Deb and Christy. Your side of the bar and our side of the bar are probably identical. Except that your side of the bar doesn't have random baby poop on the floor that no one can explain (that's what my side of the bar looked like this morning...).
Love you.
GO! FIGHT! WIN!
Great advice from great women. And it sounds to me like the end of your day with Emma saying Sarmum was a victory. We all have good days and bad, it's just part of the territory. You are a fabulous mom and the fact that you care so much just proves the point. You need to train the rational side of your brain to calmly tell the irrational side that you got this, because you do. Squishy and Emma are lucky to have you and Heavenly Father knew that when he sent them your way. Love you!
Um, I'm a mom with mental illness. Literally. My side of the bar has been pretty ugly at times, because depression does ugly things to you. And yet for all that I've never doubted my decision to become a mother, or my decision(s) to have more than one kid. I do sometimes doubt why Heavenly Father gave me such good, wonderful kids when I feel that I don't deserve them, but then I realize He knows I couldn't handle a crazy bunch like the ones Mom got. :)
And now that we're on the subject of Mom, YES, she is a sainted woman, but I do remember her having some less-than-stellar mothering days, too. We ALL have them, no matter how ahhhhmazing we manage to look to the outside world.
I'm so glad your busy little girl gave you that chunk of her day to snuggle and read when you so needed it. She DOES love her Mommy with her whole heart. I've seen it myself.
Lastly, about that irrational, anxious side of your brain? Email me privately. I have a couple thoughts.
I just had to come back to say what an insightful little girl your EmmaBean is. I know it was not by chance that she chose that particular book. She chose it because it says what she wanted to say to you but can't yet. Ahhhhmazing.
Love you both.
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