I am about to vent. Feel free to disregard.
There are a lot of things going through my head right now. Over the last two years there have been a lot of negative experiences piling up, and they are just getting to me. For example, almost as soon as I had Emma, I learned that perfect strangers will feel completely comfortable giving me unsolicited advice, criticizing my actions or inaction, giving dirty looks or glares, making rude comments in that kind of whisper that is meant for you to hear, scolding my children, or PUTTING FOOD DIRECTLY INTO THEIR MOUTH. And the list goes on. I've just learned that there are crazies out there with no filter, no sense of proper social etiquette, no concern for the feelings of others. It was hard at first not to take these encounters personally. It was hard to realize that these people were making snap judgments based on minimal observation, and that they REALLY had no clue what they were talking about. But slowly, I've gotten better at letting those harsh encounters roll off my back. I still get upset sometimes, (like when a woman scolded me in the parking lot of Target for changing izzy, who'd had a blow out, in the back of my car instead of taking her inside where "they have stations for that...") but generally I'm able to take it for what it is.
But more recently, I've picked up on an undertone coming from people who aren't just strangers. People who I consider friends. People who know me, and know my kids, and know about our life. People who I thought would be understanding. The first part of this that bothers me is the "you're JUST a stay at home mom" attitude. I chose this path. My husband works very hard to make it possible. And I think I do important work. I don't like it when others minimize that.
The second part of this is the small little digs people make about my kids or my parenting. Emma is hyper and out of control sometimes. I know that. It is only exacerbated around large groups of kids/people. She is just so happy to be out and about, and she really has unbounded energy. She has gotten much better about controlling it, and about knowing how to behave, but for heaven's sake, she's 2! Isn't that part of what being 2 is about? Being wild and crazy and running and playing and jumping and singing and being all spunky and stuff? And yet, two different people made the comment to me that if their oldest was like Emma, they'd be an only child. Adding "haha" to the end of that statement does not make it any less insulting.
And Izzy. Poor Izzy. First the stomach problems, and now teething. She's having a hard time, and she cries. A lot. I'm sorry if it bothers you, but telling me to just "nurture more" because you "nurture" your baby and he hasn't had any problems with teething, well that's not really helpful. And obviously it means you think I don't nurture my kids! OF COURSE I DO!
Ugh. So stupid. I wish these types of comments were coming from people that I could just blow off. Or from people that I could just tell off. But these comments come from people that I never expected. And it hurts.
So I've just been asking myself why I let it get to me. And the honest answer is that its because I'm insecure. People aren't saying anything that I haven't already worried about in the back of my head. I worry about Emma. I worry about whether or not she'll be able to slow down and thrive in a school environment. I worry about Izzy, and if I'm doing enough to comfort her. But I know deep down that I am doing the best that I can. I know we all can't be perfect. And I don't expect perfection from myself. But goshdarnit I hate hate hate when others feel the need to put me down to elevate themselves. Worst of all, coming from my friends. And its just made me realize that a purge is necessary. No more room for haters.
Blahhhhhhhhh.
8 comments:
Oh sister. I have walked MILES in these shoes of yours and it just sucks and hurts and sucks some more.
Cameron was colicky and difficult at the beginning. I nurtured the crap out of that kid. Leaving him alone actually ended up being the very best thing for him (and the last thing I tried as post partum sank me and I had no choice). He lived to tell the tale and feels loved very much.
Miles. Um, you've met Miles. I don't think I need to say anything, except that I know exactly how you're feeling about the school anxiety. He starts next week and I'm working myself into a frenzy worrying if he'll be able to cut it. He could barely sit still for 10 seconds while we were registering him for kindergarten and the principal was staring right at him. Sigh...
Sophia was a reflux mess and didn't sleep for about 10 months, and she was 20 months younger than my, "Let's paint the carpet/walls/tile/cabinets with nail polish!" toddler Miles. So that was kind of awesome.
And then guess what? With all my hard won mothering knowledge I picked up along the way, I didn't even need it with Haley. Because she came along and is so ready to go with the flow.
This, more than anything, has proven to me that my children just are who they are. There is only so much you can do to "nurture" them into submission!
I'd love to know the backstory of this great nurturer. Because my guess is that she just lucked out and got a Haley. I just wish moms who get them would know that it's just that! The luck of the draw. Sure, great mothering helps. But it's not some sign that you're doing something better than everyone else.
Grr. Let me at 'em!
You know I think you're a phenomenal mother. And I've seen you in some difficult situations (hello, vacation! the worst place on earth for all babies everywhere). And you've ALWAYS done well. Please take some solace in knowing that your big sister wants to be just like you when she grows up.
Way to go, Alyssa! Seriously, I think you are an amazing mom who cares unconditionally for Emma and Izzy. They are extremely lucky to have you as a mom (and Mike as a dad, too!). If people don't understand that, then they don't truly understand you! Let me know if you ever need anything...I'll be there for you!
As mothers we are in a constant state of worry. I mean CONSTANT. It's our full time job as a stay at home mom, to raise well adjusted, productive young beings. Our report card (it seems) is how they behave in public. We have to stop doing that.
You are doing just fine!
Have you met Ty? Oye. He is a cluster of ADD in the making. I am NOT kidding. I worry about him so much and in fact have had serious conversations recently about getting him tested because I too fear what his school experience is going to be like now that he's going to be in school all day starting Thursday. BUT he is that way NOT because he hasn't been nurtured enough or loved enough or cared for, he is that way because HE JUST IS! That's not something we can undo, it's just something we as parents need to manage.
All our kids have needs. Some in different ways. Some are higher maintenance than others. We do what we can when needed and that's what makes us GREAT parents.
These bozos you encounter who say these things and do these things to minimize all you do throughout the day should just simply be ignored. DO NOT let them get to you. They have not walked a mile in your shoes and clearly have no idea who you are as a person or a mom.
I think you're a rockstar mom and unfortunately for us stay at home moms we don't get enough positive reinforcement to the fact. So if possible focus on the days you don't get the side comments and count those as being victories instead of the few times some moron decides to burst your bubble.
LOVE YOU xo xo xo
It's unfortunate the mean girls exist even among the 'grown ups.' Stick with the ones who know, appreciate and uplift you most, let the others go.
You may not be perfect but you are the perfect mom for Izzy and Emma, they know that or at least they will some day :-)
Love you!
My biggest challenge as a parent (so far at least) is trying to get friends and family members to understand that my daughter is who she is, and I'm just along for the ride. I can give her guidance and discipline, but her personality traits are not mine to control. I can't "do" anything about her shyness. I can't "do" anything about her preference for sleeping at home in her own bed. And I know that I get judged behind my back (heck, and sometimes to my face) because my kid is shy and doesn't like to sleep in strange places. And it frustrates me to no end because my kid is an angel in so many ways, but all people see is the way in which they think I'm lacking as a parent. It's incredibly difficult not to take their judgments personally, and to believe in myself and my knowledge, which is quite frankly better than anyone else's, of who Leah is and the wonderful person I know she's going to be when she's old enough to understand that grandma and grandpa don't want to skin her alive with their kisses. We're living in such an incredibly harsh world, and moms are some of the worst culprits. Maybe one purpose of parenting is that it's an effective way of getting us to develop thicker skin to have confidence in doing our thing in the face of outside criticism? Just know that for every voice who tells you you've got it wrong, you have many others to remind you that you're a rock star and you're not alone.
Remember that when you hear these comments, they are simply a reflection of the commenter's own insecurities. Reminds me of a something I read once and loved so much I that I typed it up, printed it out and taped it to the wall in my office years ago:
"If you'd like to get out and start my car, I'd be happy to continue honking your horn for you."
Well, as your over-protective big sister, you already know what I think you should do with all those yahoos who dare to criticize: direct and sarcastic responses will usually shut them up. Who cares what THEY think? If you find you have "friends" who feel free to belittle something as dear to your heart as your family, whether they frame it as a "joke" or not, they don't deserve to be part of your life. You are AWESOME as a mother, and it will be their loss.
"When others are trying to bring you down, it only means that you're above them."
Hugs
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