Can I tell you that I really, really, really dislike The Elderly? I know, you're thinking, "what a callous, mean-spirited, spiteful, horrible thing to say about the adorable, wrinkly blue-haired contingent of our nation!" But seriously folks, let's get a grip on reality. I decided that I needed to be able to rationalize my dislike, so I came up with a list reasons that it's ok to dislike The Elderly. I know, I know...I'LL be The Elderly someday. But you know what? I don't think I'll like myself!
10. The Smell. You all know what I'm talking about. There's just that smell. Moth balls and Ben-Gay do not make a good combination.
9. The Gym Encounters. Some of you have already heard about my dealings with The Elderly at the gym. It's not pretty. I swear I almost got into a fist fight with one of them. I probably could have won it, too, but got scared and ran out. Who do they think they are, just hanging their towels on crap, and then thinking they "own" the place!!
8. The Grocery Store Encounters. I've noticed that The Elderly almost always shop together as couples. As cute as this may seem, it's terribly inconvenient and annoying, especially on a Saturday afternoon, or a busy weeknight. They just shuffle down the aisles, slower than those turtles from the Comcast commercials. And we all know they can't drive (see #1) so shopping carts are no exception. They always seem to park the cart right at the end of the aisle, sideways, so you can't get around them. And because they can't see, they spend 20 minutes reading the labels on canned goods and boxes, which means they aren't leaving their parking spot for a good long while. Thus the need to either do the mid-aisle U-Turn (a feat in and of itself) or what I call "The Squeeze". Then there's the checkout line. I think the technology of the registers confuse them, or something. And of course, they only write checks. Which takes, gee...I don't know...A YEAR?!?! OR they have to use exact change, which takes an equally annoying amount of time...have you heard of a debit card?
7.The Swimming Pool Encounters. Actually, it's not so much the pool, as the locker room. That's all I'm going to say.
6.The Post Office Encounters. They never know WHERE they want to mail things. Or HOW they want to mail things. Or WHY they want to mail things. I really think they just like waiting in line, and then chatting up the desk clerk for a half hour so they can have someone to talk to.
5.The Bank Encounters. Seriously, how hard is it to deposit a social security check? And WHY, oh WHY do The Elderly have so much change they need counted? And WHY, oh WHY do they wait until it's over $3,562.72 to bring it in?? I mean, when you need a wheelbarrow to bring in your change, have you waited too long? Or do you just REALLY, REALLY, REALLY like holding up a lunch-break line?? Huh?
4.The Hearing Aids. I know it's kind of ridiculous, but I hate that loud, high-pitched squeal a hearing aid makes. It makes my hair stand on end.
3.The Phlegm.
2.The Insults. For some reason I'm around The Elderly more than you would think, for someone who teaches high school. But for whatever reason, The Elderly that I see on a regular basis are really good at indirectly insulting me. Like, "Oh you used to be prettier" or "You used to be skinnier", or "Your skin used to be so nice" or "You used to be such a nice girl". Sooooo apparently now I'm an ugly, fat, bad-skinned bad girl. Hmmmmm.
1. The Driving. Take today, for example. Traffic was bad enough as I sat through road construction on 322 through Hershey. But things went from bad to worse as I was cut off by what appeared to be a 1987 Lincoln Town Car that was making a left hand turn from a "right turn only" lane. And this lady (who, by the way, was barely visible above the dash...) with a blue bee-hive hairdo was COMPLETELY unaware that there were cars in the way. The car in front of me had to speed up to avoid having its rear end taken out, and I had to slam on the brakes to avoid having my front end taken out. And then in my fit of road rage (I swear, Bird, it's getting better!) I called her a douchebag. A DOUCHEBAG. And then I felt like complete crap for being so mean as to actually call somebody that. Where did that even come from??? So not only did this Elderly person nearly cause a catastrophic collision, she caused me to lash out in anger, and then feel hours (well, more like minutes) of regret and shame.
Soooo that's my list. Of course I love my grandparents, and they're Elderly. So there are exceptions to every rule. But for seriously, I'm guessing that ALL of you (yeah, the 2 people who read my blog! Ha!) can relate to at least ONE of my issues with The Elderly. So don't judge me, please!!
3 comments:
No judgment here! I think you have so many encounters with the turtles because you live in PA. IA has lots of turtles, too, and they do tend to travel in pairs. Water aerobics class was right before Owen's swimming lessons this year, poor boy's scarred for life, I'm sure.
Alyssa, I am joining your club. Whatever you want to call it, I'm in.
I've already told my mom I'm canning her in formaldehyde when she starts to get annoying so I can remember her when I still liked her. Then I'm putting her on a shelf in that attic. With dad.
I need to add to #10: The Smell. It also includes oily hair and armpit.
And to expand on #3: The Phlegm. It may be a little known fact, but excess phlegm in the elderly often causes vomit. At the dinner table on Easter.
Also to #2: The Insults. Where to begin with that one? Nobody insults me better than my grandma, not even 5th grade boys when I was a 5th grade girl. Hands down.
And #1: The Driving. This one is most tricky. Exepecially when its your own grandparent that you call a douchebag. But then when they are no longer competent to drive -- due to a vast conspiracy that they determine you have personally masterminded and orchestrated -- they'll be calling you the douchebag. So it all evens out, really. Don't feel too bad about that one.
And I'd like at add 1A: Mental Incapacity. Like when your granddad snaps his teeth at you like a snarling dog because someone handed you an envelope that he thought wasn't yours but was. Or when they want you to take them to Cracker Barrel because they have a coupon, only to get there and be yelled at because they don't like Cracker Barrell and didn't want to come here. And yet they know that you didn't call THE EXACT DAY of their their birthday. (Even though you tried to call all day but they couldn't figure out how to answer the phone.)
Sorry for all the typos. The Elderly make me not be able to type. We should add that as #1B.
You need to come over on another Thursday's lunch break and we'll head over to the Interfaith Manor to volunteer and repent. And throw spitballs.
Later!
Deb
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